new start

So much has happened since the last post...I've been fighting the PPD without medication. It's not that I'm against medication, but none of the depression medications have been approved for use while breastfeeding, so there you go. I do get a lot of pressure to just stop nursing him already, but the way I see it, he's our last biological baby, I wasn't able to nurse Kenzie as long as I wanted to, he's already almost 9 months old and can drink regular milk in 3 months. If I've been going through hell for this long, what's another quarter of a year? Right? Someone please tell me I'm right...cuz if I've been doing this for no good reason, that's even more depressing. I just want to know that I'm doing the right thing for him.
More has happened too, but I have to go get my girl from the bus stop. Yeah, the bus stop...she's in kindergarten! More later...

rainy Monday

So, it seems as though I'm suffering from PostPartum Depression. Friday night, my dad had to pick me up and bring me to their house because I was afraid I would hurt myself if I stayed at home, even though my husband was here. Sometimes, when I wake up with Finn in the middle of the night and hubby doesn't even stir, I feel utterly alone. It mostly sucks, because I'm living in a fog, punctuated by moments of utter despair and hopelessness. I'm missing out on my kids' childhoods, and I'm paralyzed by apathy. I should take more pictures, I keep thinking, so that I can look back at this time and not have it completely blanked out in my memory. But then I don't get the camera out and so we've gone since Easter with not one shot of my sweet kids. And they're changing every day. And I'm missing it. And even if I did take pictures, even if I took one thousand pictures a day, I still wouldn't remember fully. I'm crying at my computer as I type this. I should go spend time with Darby, but then I feel guilty that I'm not doing a million other things. I'm never 100% with the kids, and it sucks, and I don't know what to do about it.

One thing to remember: Finn's breath smells sweet like apricots and he pulls off while he's nursing to smile at me and say, "Ah-ooo."

Bad mother?

By 6 PM, I want to be done with the kids.

By this time, I've usually had 10 1/2 to 11 hours with no break, not to mention the sleep deprivation of getting up every 3 hours with Finn at night.

Does it make me a bad person to feel absolutely fed up when the girls won't eat, or fight in the bath, or melt down when we comb their hair?

Am I a bad mommy if the baby starts to cry and I just look at him for a minute instead of picking him up to soothe him?

Is it terrible that I want to roll my eyes at statements like, "Why do you spend so much more time with Finn than with me?" when I have to change his diaper after reading to the girls for 20 minutes.

I'm not talking losing my temper or harming the kids in any way...it's more that I just stare at them blankly, with no more reserves to handle yet another "mini-crisis", while dreaming of just leaving, just going away somewhere without all the responsibility.

I'm fortunate that, most of the time, my husband is here to help. But he usually waits to respond, letting me step in first and then backing me up. So if I don't react, the kids' emotions tend to escalate and then it takes that much longer to calm them. So I don't wait for him to step in first, because I don't want what amounts to extra work.

I know that I'm lucky to have my kids. I read the blogs about infertility and cry for their frustration and heartbreak, and then I hug my little ones extra tight. I just needed to vent...

Welcome to my world!

My unused, dusty journal has been making me feel guilty for quite some time now...I spend a lot of time on my computer...I'm much better at typing one handed than journaling one handed...I want to write about my life so that I can remember what happened... so, voila! I've decided to start a blog.

I'm married to a man I met in college. We've known each other for 15 years, but have only been together for 10 and married for 8 this coming May. He makes me laugh, keeps my secrets, and is my love. We have 3 children (a 5 year old, 3 year old, and 7 1/2 week old), who are alternately the joys of my life and the reasons why I sometimes think I'm losing my mind. I'm a stay at home mom...the home in my "title" is currently on the market and keeping it clean (and neat!) for showings is quite a task!

My oldest daughter, Mackenzie, is kind and smart with a flair for the dramatic and moods like a spring day. She loves the earth and is quick to remind us to "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle!" She is very social and cries when she has to miss a day of school. She is a wonderful big sister and still thinks her family is made up of the greatest people in the world. I hope she never changes...

My younger daughter, Darby, is funny and sweet and loves to read and snuggle. She has a naughty streak a mile wide, but usually gets away with it because she is so cute! She can't say goodbye or go to bed with "huggies and kissies" for everyone and if she feels that important step has been skipped, tears and meltdowns ensue. She is still adjusting to not being the baby of the family anymore, but loves her brother and sister fervently.

My son, Finn, is still such a baby that we're not quite sure of his personality. He seems rather laid-back and his open-mouthed, dimpled smiles light up the room. His sisters lavish hugs and kisses on him exuberantly and he puts up with them, which is more than I could say for myself if I were his size!

I hope that I will use this blog to chronicle our crazy life...I fear that I'll come out of this busy mom fog one day to realize that the kids are grown and I have no recollection of how our day-to-day lives ran. I don't want to miss (or forget) a thing...